Here is where I will attempt many freeing and dangerous acts after a life of self-induced bondage. All human beings deserve to be free to live the lives they desire unfettered by others’ imprisoning expectations. We have the right to listen to the truth of our hearts and speak it to our loved ones, to those who say they love us, and trust that they will hold that truth in high esteem. We do not have to constantly explain why we feel a certain way or defend our hearts. It should be a given that our word is gold, that it is enough.
Every day does not need to be a trial and your spouse is not the judge and jury. You are the judge of your heart. You know your truth. Do not be afraid to speak it for the world is a safe place for those of us who do not live in fear. You will find that there is a whole other tribe out there that supports you even when your partner does not.
Life is too short to live in fear of anyone or anything. The truth will prevail, will always prevail, even if it takes time.
This world is here to fulfill the desires of your heart. There is no reason to be ashamed of not wanting to live in a cage anymore. It is not a natural human condition. Many times it happens so slowly that you do not realize what is happening until one day you wake up and see your cage for what it is. You make attempts at decorating your cage and making it suitable to live in, “Bloom Where You’re Planted” and all that. For a long time this was my motto. But if you want to live you have to find a way to break free. Sometimes friends will look for the key that opens the door. Through an intervention they might even find a way to hand you the key. Some people will even promise to break down the door for you, or convince your jailer to open the door.
But what I have learned is this: the only person who can set you free is yourself. No one can do it for you, no matter how badly they may want to. We alone hold the key to our freedom.
It is my hope that you will use the key I am handing you to open the door of your prison. But, at the same time, please know that I understand how much easier this is said than done. I held my key tight, slept with it under my pillow for many years until I was ready to use it. And when I left I didn’t just open the door and exit gracefully — I ripped the door off its hinges and burned not just the cage but my entire house to the ground. So as I do not endorse this approach at the same time I say this: whatever it takes. The voice in your heart is worth fighting for. I believe that, no matter who you are. It is an inalienable right of every human being on this planet.
Before I begin, I feel that I need to say that I love Japan and the Japanese culture. I have lived in Japan for over twenty years and consider it my home. Furthermore while my ex-husband might represent the traditional, stereotypical Japanese man, he does not by any means represent the average Japanese man, the majority of Japanese men I know.
Furthermore, the clashes between my ex and me are not exclusive to our intercultural relationship. These same issues occur in any relationship where one person feels entitled to override the feelings of their partner. It just so happens that Japanese culture teaches their children from a young age to suppress their feelings and always think of the common good before themselves. To express your desires is deemed as selfish and there is beauty in self-sacrifice — or at least the demonstration of self-sacrifice. What is in one’s heart can remain hidden as long as things on the surface run smoothly. There is no need to air all that out. Hence many marriages may allow for discretionary affairs as long as no one loses face. Americans, typically, do not want to play this childish game of pretend, play house as it were, in order to keep up appearances. Not to say there is not a certain honor to that, to put the feelings of the children and family first. But for many Americans, unless they are attempting an open marriage, this is bullshit.
Stereotypes aside, to most people it does not compute that when your spouse says they do not want to have sex with you anymore that you still think you can make a go of it. Furthermore, when one of you sees no need to have sex with you anymore and does not want to go to counseling about it yet you catch them looking at porn or masturbating or coming on to other women — or worse to me for some reason, they call you “Mom” in front of others — it’s really hard to make that work. Trust me. I tried for years. But maybe the worst thing is being criticized every day about every little thing from your cooking and your mothering to your body and your way of thinking and having no leverage to negotiate a better way of being together. Because your spouse knows that in Japan, whoever leaves loses the kids, and he is betting that you aren’t going to want a divorce, knowing that. “If I am going to suffer, then so are you”, is an all-too-common marriage refrain not only in this country but all over the world, especially among older generations. For sure my own parents’ marriage operated on this premise for many years as well.
But, once we are woke, there is no going back. Like it or not, once we see the truth, either via intervention or counseling or self-awareness — an “aha moment” or two — there is no way to go back even if we would like to. I tried. I tried over and over again to go back to being a puppet on his string but it was no good. I had cut the strings and seen that I could indeed stand on my own.
I wish you the best of luck. It is a terrifying thing to realize that you must leave. It is my hope that my experiences, at the very least, will warn you of some of the pitfalls, both those exclusive to Japan — namely losing custody of your children — to things that everyone goes through in rebuilding their lives.
The biggest thing is to have faith that things will work out. Make this your mantra: “Everything is working towards my good.” Say it as many times as you need it. Another good one I used was, “I will not kill myself, I will not kill myself, I will not kill myself.” I know it is a negative mantra and the better one to say is, “I live,” or “I am living,” or best yet maybe, “I thrive.” Something along these lines. But many days, coping was all I could muster. And it was enough. Sometimes all we can expect of ourselves is to survive. Because the alternative is not an option.
The bottom line is this: if we stay in a cage, we will die. It took me a long time to accept this truth. We think that we can somehow make it work. Then after we leave we suffer from guilt, put on by ourselves and put on by others, oftentimes those closest to us. They will say that it was our fault that we couldn’t make prison-like conditions work for us. But once we get past that we can see that indeed our very survival depended on removing ourselves from the cage. The first step to life is putting the key in the lock and opening the door.
I pray that you get out unscathed and — with luck — with your children, and without becoming a monster yourself. It is a juggling act of incredible skill that I have yet to see anyone perform perfectly. We each do the best we can and hope for the best. We all have to figure out our own way. Trust in yourself that if you follow your heart, it will not guide you wrong. No matter what else I post here, this really is the best thing I can tell you.
