The Things I Am Sorry For
I am sorry I was so demanding in the hospital. I am sorry I expected too much. It was unreasonable, but as an explanation (not an excuse) I can say that I didn’t know better. And that I relied on you fully. I thought and still think that’s what spouses should do for each other. But that’s not how you knew to love and I didn’t understand that. Also, I should have thought more about relying more on myself. That’s the most valuable thing karate taught me: to find my center and rely on myself and trust myself to take care of me. That’s why, ironically, karate is what made me strong enough to leave you when you went against what I knew in my heart to be true. The funny thing is that even as I first started karate, I knew this is what would happen. I think you knew it too. Because you also said if I ever quit karate it is divorce. I said if we move again it is divorce. Both things came true.
I am sorry I said thoughtless things. I am sorry I relied too much on you. I had thought marriage meant freedom to say anything and just let your guard down but I should have considered your feelings more. I shouldn’t have relied on you so much. I should have, always wished I could have, found a way to let you rely on me more. I thought I could do that by keeping a job but then that didn’t seem possible. So then I got put into a situation I was not comfortable with and had no skills in, which was cooking and managing the budget. I was a good mom though. I can see that now. Not perfect, but good enough. I think we could’ve made it work if you could have believed in me and trusted me more. I never could understand why you hated me so much when I tried so hard to make you happy. I guess you were just jealous. I don’t know for sure. But trying to love you felt like trying to nurture a plant that can never grow no matter how much you water it. No forgiveness, no mercy. Everything at my expense. But I am sorry I wasn’t more cognizant of the effect my words could have on you.
Also though I wish I had been more demanding of what I wanted. I shouldn’t have let you get away with the things I let you get away with. It’s how you learned to take advantage of me and push the envelope further and further. Like taking me to Ebisu at Christmastime but not letting me get out of the car to see the lights. That one really killed me. Or not walking with me, always walking ahead and leaving me behind. All of our trips feel like that. Or making me walk through the ghetto with our baby in Vancouver. Why did you always do that to me? I hate you for that. You were always trying to change me, teach the selfish American a lesson. Ironically, I am grateful that you did make me change, that karate made me change. However, the end does not justify the means. In all things, I believe this, just as I believe hitting a child is wrong, that violence of any kind is always wrong. Even though I am so angry sometimes I want to burn everything down, it would be wrong to do so. I am trying to find peace now. I don’t know how to do that but I am trying.
Finally, most of all, I am sorry for leaving my kids with you. I am sorry I gave up. It was one of those situations where you feel like you are banging your head on the wall over and over to no avail and in fact are just making things worse the more you try. Finally I felt the best thing I could do for everyone was just walk away. I never thought that meant losing my kids but it did. And once I left and knew the freedom and peace of mind I could have just being away from you there was no way I could go back. But as Arisa asked, when reality finally settled in, "Why do you get to leave but we can’t? It’s not fair."
I am sorry I didn’t stay and suffer with them. It would have been fairer to them if I had. But if I had stayed where would we all be right now? Would things be better for them than they are now? I honestly can say no. I had lost all will to do anything, most of all, the will to stand up to you. I had no desire to do anything in life as everything fell under your control. I didn’t want them to see me like that, to learn that this is the way to live. I wanted them to learn to trust their instincts and fight for what they want, pursue their own path. I can definitely say I have shown them that example. Also, as my lawyer said to me, fighting in front of the kids is always wrong. There was no way to live with you without doing that.
I am sorry I couldn’t find a way to make it work. I am sorry I married you in the first place. I don’t know what happened. We were once very happy it seems, in the beginning. But I should have broken up with you when within a couple months you said I couldn’t have an oven because it would only make me fat and you made me cry and feel stupid. That should have been the end.
I don’t know why everything went so badly. It makes me think you never loved me. I am sorry that I mistook that for love. I am sorry that I hurt so many people when I finally woke up and walked away. I am sorry now that we are all in so much pain still all because of my bad decisions and not knowing what love is. I often feel sick and heartbroken and honestly don’t know for sure if things will ever be anything truly resembling "normal." But, nevertheless, I also have hope and have found a tribe of like-minded people who are kind and supportive of me. They are there, were always there, but I just hadn't truly known the depth of it. Not saying this made any of this worth it. It just makes it bearable.
